Somewhere In-between

I'm somewhere in the middle.

I'm not great, but I'm not doing bad either.

I'm just surviving each day and waiting for the next one.

My previous post was hard for me to write. It's hard to come to the realization that you're juuuust a little bit crazy...or that maybe you're just having a crazy moment. I had one. Actually, I've had a couple.

But here I am today and I feel alright. The weight loss is still happening...not as fast as I'd like perhaps but it's happening none the less. I'm 10 months out and I'm down 75lbs since surgery day.

About a month ago I had a sleep study done again to see if my sleep apnea was gone and it was. AMEN! So the CPAP machine is now in its bag in the closet-just taking up space. I guess I should see what I can do with it...perhaps I can sell it? Lord knows I spent a small fortune on that miserable thing  :)

I don't go back and see the surgeon until March and I'm ok with that. He's sort of a douche bag (no really...) but on the flip side he knows what he's doing so that's a plus!

I've had quite a few people approach me lately asking me details about my surgery, and if it was "worth it". My answer to everyone is the same; Next to leaving VA...having surgery was THE BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE. Ever. I work with a woman who also had weight loss surgery, she's had complications from the start but if you ask her if it was worth it, she will tell you the exact same thing. ABSOLUTELY.

Having WLS is not an easy decision to make, it's not an easy process to get to the OR, and healing (mentally/physically) is not easy either but what IS easy is looking at pictures of yourself before and after and thinking..."Wow, what a difference".

I was 290lbs, wore a size 24, had high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and the beginnings of diabetes when I walked into the surgeons office. Ten months later I am 217lbs and wearing a 14/16 (and some 16's are getting too big!!), no sleep apnea, no high blood pressure, I am anemic now but that's nothing that some fuzzy socks and a blanket can't help...I am able to get off the couch in one motion, I can bend over and tie my shoes, you can see where my boobs/stomach begin and end, I have a waist and much to my surprise I even have a collar bone!! (haha)

So, hell yes it was worth it!!!

March, May, December

Get Off The Scale

I came across this tonight and thought it was a must share!

 

I think I need to look into this book...some pretty good advice here!

 

“Get Off The Scale!

You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance.

Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.

It’s true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

This is intense, but so is this post.

I want to share something with those of you who care to read this. This isn't going to be a fun and uplifting post because quite frankly, I'm dealing with a load of garbage right now and I'm about to spill it ALL...

 

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Loosing weight is awesome. When it's actually happening. Or if you're like me-you loose a good amount of weight in a short amount of time and then you hit a stall that lasts two months...

 

It's exhausting.

 

Prior to my surgery there were a billion appointments I had to go to and one of them included meeting with a psychiatrist. They wanted to make sure that I had a stable home-life, had support from friends and family, and had never had any type of major body image issues. I can say that obviously I "passed" the test and off I went on my way....

 

Six months later-enter the major body image issues.

 

It started about a month ago. I find myself staring at myself in the mirror looking at my collar bones, or tightening the skin around on my arms and face to see what it will look like when/if it gets smaller. I pull at the skin on my chest and examine how much extra skin I have in my bras.

 

That's where it started.

 

A few weeks later I started to feel guilty when I ate. I'd find myself fighting my hunger pains for as long as possible so that I wouldn't "have" to eat.

 

I ate a small peice of ice cream cake last weekend, the guilt came shortly after and I thought to myself "Maybe I should go throw this up..."

(I DIDN'T but just the fact that I had the thought scared the crap out of me.)

 

When did this happen!? Who is this person that I'm becoming....

 

I had an appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday. He assured me that the things I'm doing are good and that I've lost more weight than he expects that his sleeve patients will loose at six months out. We talked about my eating habits and exercising and overall I'm doing pretty well-but he is concerned about the body image issues that I'm starting to have. We came up with a little plan to hopefully get this under control.

 

I'm meeting with a nutritionist in a few weeks to go over eating plans again, go over proper foods and get some ideas of how to make this lifestyle more "on the go" friendly.

 

I am also making an appointment with the psychiatrist that I met with prior to the surgery. I really need to get a grip on this. I do not like the person I'm turning into.

 

Lastly-I've been looking into joining a bariatric surgery support group. There have to be other people out there who are going through this or who have gone through this.

 

I think our upcoming wedding is also causing me added stress. I'm not keen on a lot of attention and next October when we get hitched-there will be a ton of people with all eyes on me. I'm more insecure with that idea now than I was when I was nearly 300lbs. How does that even happen?!

 

68.4lbs later and this is where I am at.

 

I knew this surgery would be a challenge but I was not prepared for this part of it.

 

 

 

 

Like a Glove

 

I stood in a dressing room and cried today.

 

For the first time in nine years I tried on a pair of jeans that were a size 14 and they fit. Perfectly.

 

Six and a half months ago I wore a size 24.

 

Today was absolutely amazing.

 

March 1, 2012 I thought I was making one of the best decisions of my life. Today just reaffirmed that.

 

 

Challenge Me!

We're a little over 100 days away from Christmas. By Christmas day my goal is to be in "one-derland". I want the scale to read 199lbs or less. That means I have slightly more than 100 days to drop 30lbs. I can do this. I WILL do this.

 

Life has gotten in the way of the healthy things I should be eating. Being "on-the-go" as much as we are some old habits have come back. I worked too hard and went through too much to fail at this weight loss. I've lost track and stayed the exact same weight for the past 2 months almost.  65 pounds is a lot- but it's not where I pictured myself to be six months after surgery. It's time to get serious! I have to be in a wedding dress in 13 months and I want to feel confident and beautiful and all of the wonderful things a bride is supposed to feel-not worrying about how I look!

 

The elliptical and I have become pretty good friends lately and I still plan to keep that trend going. I just need to start watching the protein and carbs again so that it can all work together to allow me to drop the weight. Protein shakes here I come!

 

So here's to getting back on track and reaching my goal..."one-derland" here I come!

 

(ps....I appreciate and LOVE all of my cheerleaders! You guys are amazing!!)

 

The Big Question...

In June, Jason & I took a much needed trip and spent a weekend in Atlanta. We did some sight seeing, went to a Braves game, went to the aquarium, checked out Centennial Olympic Park and even GOT ENGAGED! :) After 4 and a half years, a house and a dog....we're finally going to be "official"! He did a great job picking out the ring and I am so excited to become Mrs. Jolly!

MIA

I've been terrible about keeping up with my blog! Things have been so busy and Jason & I have had very little down time!

First thing to update-the weight loss!...or should I say....the weight plateau?! ;) I finally hit the 65lb mark and I've sort of stayed the same over the past month or so....I'll loose 3lbs and gain 4....then loose 4 and gain 2 back....it's been interesting to watch the scale and even a little irritating at times. My body was going through such a dramatic change very quickly that I got spoiled and then when it slowed down it was sort of shocking. But it's normal, my doctors told me that this would happen. Now it's up to me to make sure that I'm following my diet and getting exercise to help keep the weight loss going.

I can still pretty much eat whatever I want. The two things that I try to keep away from are rice and ground beef. Obviously the rice is bad because it expands when it gets into your tummy-so two bites and I'm stuffed! Ground beef also sits very heavy on my stomach. I'm not sure if its the grease or what, but something about it does not agree with me and it makes me feel very sluggish. Other than that though, I really am able to eat anything I want. My portions have also increased as I guess my new stomach stretches out over time. I certainly can't eat anywhere close to where I could before surgery but it is a lot more than I could eat at two months out. The first time I noticed that I had eaten a lot more than usual I got a little worried....."Is my stomach stretched out too far?"..."Should I really be able to eat all of this?".....but again...it's normal. Just a thing that happens with time! :)

I've also started working out on a regular basis and I think that I'm trading fat for muscle which might also be a reason why the scale isn't really moving. I still notice that my clothes are getting bigger even though the scale hasn't moved very much. It's very hard to stay motivated with the exercising after a long day at work but I know that if I don't do it I might not loose much more weight and I'm not ok with that. I have at least another 50lbs I want to loose before I'm happy with where I'm at. It's gonna take time and I know it wont happen over night but I have to keep my eye on the prize-even if it means talking myself through my workouts on the elliptical...(I'm not even lying...I have to talk myself through each work out so that I don't quit-pathetic I know-but at least I keep going!!)

I can't even believe that September 1st it will have been 6 months since my surgery! Where has the time gone?

Here are a few recent pictures:

I have plenty more to update you all with so be looking for another post from me soon! :)